


compulsions

by fictionalrobin



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Based on Myself, Bodyswap, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, OCD, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Panic Attacks, Sad Magnus Bane, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, alec is kinda villainized in de beginning but OCD treatment is v painful n stressin, i probably should go back to therapy but i fuckin hate therapy like it makes me so uncomfortable, i relapsed the other day and decided to write this, i wished i had an alec when i was going through this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 14:04:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13215327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionalrobin/pseuds/fictionalrobin
Summary: after the bodyswap-incident, Magnus develops an unhealthy coping mechanism





	compulsions

**Author's Note:**

> yeet ima stop doin prompts for a while n i might take a break from writing (fan fiction only im still gonna work on ma own shit just won't publish it) because dis shit is lowkey (highkey) stressin me out

Three

That's how he started his day

Three blinks with his right eye

Three blinks with his left eye

Three blinks with both at the same time. 

Simple. Easy. Three times three. Nine. That's how he woke. On his back. He made sure to sleep on his back. Always. If he woke up on his side, it was bad. Things would be bad. That was against the rules.

And you don't go against the rules.

Next, he sat up. He made sure not to let his feet touch the ground before he was sitting straight, knees bend in a perfect ninety degree angle. 

Then, he carefully placed both feet on the ground, making sure they made contact with the floor at the exact same time. This was where it usually went wrong. Where and itchy uncomfortable feeling shot through his body, like thousands of tiny invisible bugs crawling all over him. He had to try again. And again. Some days it went quicker. Some days he could smoothly get up and move on to his next task

But some days it took up to thirty attempts, sometimes he had to try over and over and over again to make the cripples go away. Try until his muscles were wailing and all he wanted to do was scream, because it just wouldn't  _feel right_. 

But he couldn't.

He couldn't scream because then Alexander would wake, and he'd see. 

 _A_ _nd_ _that_ _could_ _never_ _happen_

 _not_ _again_

Alec had caught him once, arranging the fridge magnets by color, then by size, then by color again.

He'd laughed.

He'd laughed and called him silly. He didn't actually think Magnus was serious. Thought it was just some funny thing Magnus did because he was bored. 

He'd never thought Alec's laughter could hurt. Never thought such a lovely sound could cut him open like that, shrivel his soul until he wanted to die. But Alec had every right to laugh. It was stupid. He was stupid. 

But he couldn't go against the rules.

He got up (silently) and made sure that everything on his nightstand was where it was supposed to be. Alined. Symmetrical. Perfect. Just like he arranged it last night (four times). 

As he took his first steps towards the kitchen, he made sure not to tread on any cracks in the floorboards. He looked around the room as he moved. What day was it today, Tuesday? Okay, Tuesday was yellow. 

He scanned the room. Yellow shirt, yellow chapstick, yellow lamp, yellow book, another yellow shirt. Five. Five yellow things. Good. Five was a good number. Five was prime, so it could't be spli- _wow_ _there_ _._

He stopped, foot hovering dangerously over the doorstep into the livingroom. 

 _T_ _hat_ _was_ _a_ _close_ _one_ _._

He'd nearly stepped into a room with the wrong foot. How silly. He couldn't be that silly. That was against the rules. 

And you don't go against the rules. 

He shifted carefully, so his right foot was in the front and tapped the doorframe as he went through it. 

That was the first thing that showed up, the tap. The first rule. It was after the bodyswap, when his own body felt foreign and wrong, because he could still feel _him_. He'd tapped the doorframe when he went into the bathroom. It was a little thing, just a small motion, but it somehow dulled the feeling of wrongness.

However, he found himself needing the tap more and more. Needing a way to push the wrong away, to the point where he'd linger in doorways for hours, walking back and forwards between rooms so he could keep tapping.

But it went on, the wrong showing up again and again, and soon the door-tapping wasn't enough. It'd latched on to him like a parasite. Grown until it controlled his life. And now he didn't know how to make it stop.

Wait no.

_Bad_ _thought_

The rules are good. The rules are here to help. You don't want them to go away. 

Something.

He had to do something. Something to show that he wouldn't go against it. He looked around. He had to be quick. His breathing was already speeding up.

His hands shook as he lifted them and started frantically clapping them. His heart banged in his head, and he squeezed his eyes closed, as he rammed his hands together harder. Stop it stop it stop it _stop it_

"what are you doing?" 

No

No no no no no this can't be happening. Not right now. Please. He wasn't done. He wasn't ready. Did he do something wrong? He must've forgotten something. He must've messed up so things went wrong. He wasn't supposed to forget this stuff. Shit shit shit shit shit. 

"hey, stop it," Alec's hands around his wrists felt like handcuffs.

 _T_ _his is_ _what_ _happens_ _when_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_

"Magnus!" 

 _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_

"hey, hey breathe." 

 _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_ _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_

"breathe, Magnus, please." 

His vision was tunneling, and his throat was shrinking. 

 _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_

It filled his head, repeating like a broken recordplayer. Mashed together into a ringing, louder than everything else.

 _you_ _don't_ _follow_ _the_ _rules_

His hands jerked violently, but Alec's grasp stopped him from clapping. The _feeling_ washed over him like cold hands scratching his skin. No no no no no _go_ _away_ _._ He shook his head vigourously and began stomping his food, but strong arms wrapped around his body and restrained his limbs.

White hot panic engulfed him like flames as his entire body ignited in itches. He tried to move. Tried to stomp, clap, snap, jerk, anything to make it go away, but Alec's body was like a padlock around him. 

The world was spinning. Everything was spinning, and he just wanted it to _stop_ _, stop_ _for_ _fucks_ _sake_ _, stop_ _._

"shhh," a warm hand brushed over his back, "shh it's okay." 

He screamed and struggled in Alec's grasp. Scratced, pinched, punched, kicked. Anything to get free. 

"Magnus, it's okay just focus on me." 

He gave up with a sob. He wanted to tap the doorframe. He could feel it tugging at him, but Alec wasn't letting go. There was nothing he could do

"you're okay, just focus on me. Focus on my voice, it's gonna be okay."

He took a deep shaky breath, squeezing his eyes shut as he focused on the hand on his back. The world started screaming, and he clutched Alec's shirt, scared that it would take him if he let go. But slowly, slowly the world stopped spinning and the wrong died down to a low hum. He sniffled and loosened his grip on Alec's shirt. He felt warm. Like the feeling right after you throw up. Shit. But also kinda like you're floating.

The hand kept moving on his back, keeping him on the ground like an anchor. He closed his eyes as it went into his hair. His breathing was steady now. Steady but heavy. 

"there we go," he could hear Alec's smile,"there we go. You're okay now."

_You're_ _okay_


End file.
